ME AND MY CRAZY WORLD

Me and My Crazy World
The life, and true stories of my crazy life
Wednesday, January 08, 2003

Well im felling like shit again...i started feeling better this afternoon and now its worse. And to top it all off...im not on the rag! This just sucks! Im not feeling so great emotionally either. I feel like im about to fall apart. I feel like noone can handle me...I feel like im just a waste of everyones time! I just want to go to school and do really well!! Im glad i got that check although i feel really horrible about it! Oh well i guess eventually i will get my life and my shit together. Maybe i need some better meds or a psychiatrist or something. Im just so unsure about everything lately! Just give me time. Try not to crowd me, let me have some space. You are doing a good job of it so far. I just need time to get my shit together! I need to focus on myself and my life and figure out what went wrong, and when so this anxiety stuff stops and i feel like i am in control again.
posted by Dreamer of Dreams at 5:23 PM
Wednesday, December 18, 2002

Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas. It is so nice to drive home and see all the christmas lights on and stuff. I dont like the cold although i have to admit i like that she thinks im cute in my vest with my hat and my haircut. That makes me happy. On a whole i think things are going pretty well. I have to say that my feelings are really starting to be cared for and although im afraid to believe it i feel like im getting back on track. Im afraid to believe it because i know that i cant be hurt again. That will kill me. Im excited for christmas again and i cant wait to give my gitfts. I think she will like them alot. Some of them are thoughtful but most are things that will make her smile that she will like. I think i am a varsity gift giver so im sure she will like them. I am very curious as to what i got. I know ill get a candle...to keep up with tradition of course. Its just our thing. I am very curious...is she going the thoughtful route or is she going the silly fun route or the things that you want and need route. OR a combination of all three. Whatever it is i will be happy. Im starting to feel better about our problem but psychologically i dont know whats wrong with me. Maybe this two weeks off will help me rest up and not feel so anxietyish anymore cause its starting to get scary again and i dont want to have to go get more meds. I want to be able to live life and be happy. Hopefully the anxiety will start calming down more now. And what do i do if (and when) grammy dies? I want to be there every second to hold onto you and catch your tears and cry with you. Even tho im not considered family she is like family to me. Im so upset about this and i just want to be near you when this happens but its like im not allowed cause im not family. I want you to be in my car on the way there i have it all planned out. I will be there for you. Dont worry i will take care of you! Anyway i think im gonna sign off and go to bed and let me songs download while i sleep. See you soon and thanks for starting to take care of me keep up the GOOD work.
posted by Dreamer of Dreams at 10:18 PM
Thursday, December 12, 2002

Did I wake up from this bad dream yet? I feel like im in a bad dream. Its worse today cause i feel like im jumping down everyone throat but im so scared its the only way i know how to defend myself. I have really bad cramps too.... I feel like someone took out my insides and hid them from me and im trying to find them. I like my insides. Its my outsides that i dont like. Take my uglyness away but give me back what makes me me. Im looking forward to seeing the show and walking around New York although im crampy i think ill be ok. Might be nice. Hopefully it will be nice and not a day of fighting...if i do that again i might just run away. No more fighting.
posted by Dreamer of Dreams at 3:41 PM
Tuesday, December 10, 2002

My whole body hurts. My heart actually hurts. My brain hurts. Everywhere i turn i feel sadness. I have no where to turn. No one to turn to. Everything is just there. I know that he says shit about me...but to actually hear it from someone actually causes me a lot of pain. I never want to talk to him again. Unfortunately i have issues where i need to deal with him. Its gonna be challenging but im sure i will be ok. Why doesnt everyone just hurt me all at once. Here i will stand in the road everyone throw rocks at me. Noone ever doesnt anything but me. I am always the bad guy. I am so in my bubble. I just want to be alone. I just want to sleep. I know i wont be doing that tonight. How can it be that i feel like this once again? I havent felt like this in almost 2 years. and why doesnt everything with the party go wrong. Me and my sister are fighting now. I just wanted to have a party for my mom and do something nice for her!! Is that so friggen wrong? The answer: Of course everything i do is wrong! Family, friends, everyone is against me.. Noone will ever give me a break. I am so hurt. I feel like i am outside of my body looking in. The pain wont stop. I havent cried like this in forever.
posted by Dreamer of Dreams at 5:59 PM

Everything I do is wrong. Everything is going wrong. The two most important things going on in my life right now are getting messed up...one being you, the other being this party for my mother. I cant take the stress anymore. All i wanted to do was a have a party for my mother and not even that will work. Everyone hates me and talks badly about me. I cant believe how everyone doesnt like me and talks badly about me. How can this be again? I hate me.
posted by Dreamer of Dreams at 1:15 PM
Tuesday, December 03, 2002

I have a thought...the one God has meant for us is going to be the hardest to get, the hardest to keep, and the hardest to accept. Because through all that, love will grow stronger, bonds will become thicker, and the future will become more clear. Love wasn't made to be easy, otherwise, we wouldn't end up with the right person, we would end up with the first one who came along. By stuggling, we single out the wrong ones and realize who really is the one. Do whatever makes YOU happy... because in the end, you're the only one who is guaranteed to be there.
posted by Dreamer of Dreams at 11:30 PM
Monday, December 02, 2002

I hate when confusion sets in. I feel like im being choked and im only getting what air i need to survive. I dont want to feel that way. I have been begging to have you make it stop and i thought i was getting a big chunk of something good but now im thinking differently. I feel so bad that you were so sick and that took so much for me to sit there with you while you puked. Then i didnt feel good either and was like who cares how you feel i need you here so lets just hound you all day long. I know you need to be by me and i love being by you too but will it absolutely kill the shit out of you not to see me this week? I think you can handle it. Its never like this. Its never a whole week so for once in a while it shouldnt be such a big deal. You can deal. I want all those things you want. I want an apartment, a family, a future. But the way you are acting, and the way i am making you feel is making me not want it right now. And i dont think there is anything wrong with that. I think right now we need our space so we start helping each other instead of hurting each other. Cause all i see right now is pain not happiness. And it used to be that all it was is happiness. So if you disagree with me and want to leave altogether than go ahead. Im not doing that. I just want the pain that i cause you and make you feel to go away. I cant possibly do that to you and hurt you like that anymore. I dont want to. I cant. It hurt me to much to hear those things come out of your mouth about me. If i truly make you feel that way then it has to be stopped. This isnt something i want to do but something i feel needs to be done so that we can continue on. So if you dont want to be friends with me for right now and feel like you cant as much as that will kill me i understand. If you dont want to do anything with me thats fine too. Again as much as it will hurt i have to understand if im going to pull this off. You think this is the easiest thing in the world for me and its not. I love you.
posted by Dreamer of Dreams at 1:48 PM
Wednesday, November 20, 2002

I feel yucky so far today. I am so absolutely tired. I tried to sleep last night and i slept good except at 3:31 when my pager went off and i forgot i wasnt on first and called him and got dressed for him to say umm we are on second. So i got back into bed. Other than that if i got more sleep i would probably feel better. I have to go to work after work today. Just for a little while so that i can finish up what i have to do. No big thing. Im not mad at you. Im just tired. And I get tired often and its just something that obviously noone can fix or help me with. But thats ok cause after work im going home, putting on my pajamas and im going to bed very early. Im worried about this test this weekend. Im so tired of failing. Cant anything ever go right for me? About the love thing....its always nice to hear it. I love hearing that. And its not that its not special cause you say it so often. I love hearing it. But its kinda like candy apples. We love candy apples right? Well if we ate candy apples every day with every meal we would still love them but they just wouldnt be something that absolutely dazzled our taste buds. Dont stop saying it. Buts its not a suprise anymore. I expect to hear it from you when i hang up and go home and things like that. In the beginning when it wasnt an every day thing it was something that i would hope you would say where as now i know you will. Not a bad thing...a changed thing. I never had someone tell me they love me every single day and i do love it. \>I love you baby blue eyes!
posted by Dreamer of Dreams at 10:03 AM
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